Joke of the Day

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors.

But after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway, found the first doctor, and demanded,

"What's the matter with you?"

"Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

Diet Club

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

English, Irish, Scottish scientist

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

Lesson on Circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A voice from the back of the room shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

U2 concert

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.....! "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence....!! "Well, stop f***ing doing it then??.!"

Close Quarters

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why his computer technician, one of his most valued employees had not arrived at work & had not phoned in sick either. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave! a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again! , whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Knit

A little girl in first grade was doing very well especially in spelling. One day she came home with new words to study for an upcoming test and she asked her mother to help.

They came to the word "knit" and her mother asked her to spell it.

She said, "n-i-t".

Her mother said, "No, try again."

She said, very slowly, "n-i-t".

Her mother said, "Now, honey, I know you know how to spell this word, try again."

Very aggravated and very slowly, as if her mother was just not getting the whole picture, she spelled, "N-I-T!"

Finally, her mother told her that the correct spelling was knit.

The little girl looked at her mother, put her hands on her hips and said, "THE 'K' IS SILENT!"

Two deaf people get married

During the first week of marriage, theyfind that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out,since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

Afterseveral nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figuresout a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want tohave sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don'twant to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a greatidea.

He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reachover and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on mypenis two hundred and fifty times."

Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

The Engineer and the Management Man

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

A Day at Golf

Dave and Fred decide to go golfing at their favourite course. On the fifteenth hole, Dave hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.
She says "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She disappears. After Dave recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Fred. "Hey, Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows." Dave shouts back "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"

Instructions

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds was changed. The bands used to bear the name of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv." The agency then received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

A Different Approach?

Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an efficiency expert asked the company's human resources director, "How many of your employees are approaching retirement age?"

"Well," replied the director, "we haven't got any going the other way."

Misfortune in the Last Wish

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....

Salesman extraordinaire !!!!

Subject: It takes an Aussie
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing.""

Catholic Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Enough is Enough !!

It's time to reevaluate our involvement!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear ... WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA !!!

The Van Gogh Family Tree

His daughter's birth certificate -- "U. Gogh, Girl"

His cousin, the dockworker -- Kerr Gogh

His grandnephew, the trucker -- D. Van Gogh

His cousin, the racing official -- Red D. Gogh
and his bro' , the rapping race official -- Red D. Yo Gogh!

His great-great-grandnephew, the unlucky test pilot -- Ward E. Gogh

His great-great-great-great-grandnephew, the shuttle pilot -- Wynn Dewey Gogh

His cousin, the constipated philosopher -- Kant Gogh

His incontinent Russian second cousin -- Ivana Gogh

His deceased Dutch aunt -- Hedda Gogh

His nephew, the urologist -- Kenny Gogh

His impotent Dutch-Hebrew uncle -- Noah Moe Gogh

His Scottish grandnephew, the porn star -- Willie Gogh

His Scottish cousin, the exhibitionist -- C. Willie Gogh

His Chinese cousins, the explorers -- Ahn Dhi Gogh and Lan Wei Dhu Gogh

His French-Spanish cousin -- Ami Gogh

His cousin, the -- Les Gogh

His distant fourth-cousin, the Japanese corporate advertising CEO -- Lo Gogh

His transgender cousin -- Dick Gogh

His niece, the holiday reporter -- Wendy Gogh

His South African cousin who loves caravan holidays -- Winnie Bay Gogh

His Pakistani-Dutch cousin, the Russian doctor -- Dr. Shiva Gogh

His American cousin, the obituary columnist -- Howdy Gogh

His Asian cousin, the prostitute -- Lhong Gogh
and her bouncing baby boy -- Po Gogh
and her Dutch-Spanish husband and pimp -- Juan A. Gogh
and her frequent customer, her Dutch-Arabic second-cousin -- Mustafa Gogh

His Newfie cousin, the groundskeeper -- Leif Gogh

His Yugoslavian cousin, the carmaker -- U. Gogh

His great-great-grandnephew, the drummer -- Ren Gogh

His cousin, the Freudian analyst -- E. Gogh

His German cousin, the nihilist -- Y. Gogh

His naughty York cousin, the Peeping Tom -- C. M. Gogh

His Dutch cousin, the pardoned convict -- Frieda Gogh

His fruity English cousin -- Mann Gogh

His Vietnamese cousin, the ballroom dancer -- Tan Gogh

His Irish cousin, the really, really gay river dance guy -- Flamin Gogh

Gorgeous Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No", she replies...."You just happened to catch my eye."

Camel Time

Some Americans were touring the marketplace and one of them saw a man on the ground brushing his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"

The Arab looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time and again the Arab camel driver reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over. "Listen," he confided to the Arab. "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."

The Arab camel driver thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the way and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"

The Parrot and the Repairman

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Tony Blurr and Two Shags

Tony Blurr called Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters." "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Prescott.
"Well," said Blurr, "We'll get ourselves one of those Barbour jacket, some boots, a stick and an Acura hat, oh and a Sheep Dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the countryside."

"Right PM," said Prescott. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite dog, they set off from Sedgefield in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical country pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"Good Morning mate," said Tony, to the bartender, "two pints of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the barman, "two pints of our best coming up".

Blurr and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old farmer, complete with stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail with the stick and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer with his stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Blurr and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blurr, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old farming custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a sheep dog in this bar with two ****holes!"

Great Female Combacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

Drunk Nun Joke

A nun walks into a corner shop and asks the man behind the counter for a bottle of whiskey.

"But you're a nun," the shopkeeper says confusedly. "You're not supposed to drink alcohol - if I sell this to you, it'll be against your - and my - religious beliefs."

"Oh no," the nun says sweetly. "You don't understand. It's for the Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oooh," he nods. "Right. Well, seeing as it's for health reasons...I'll sell it to you."

So he sells her the bottle of whiskey and off she goes.

Two hours later, the man shuts up the shop, and begins to walk down the street when he notices the nun - she is extremely drunk, swinging from the lampposts and singing merrily.

"Excuse me!" the shopkeeper yells, as he approaches the nun. "I thought you said that bottle of whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

The nun stops swinging from the lamppost and looks at him through hazy eyes. "Aye!" she says. "It was! And when she sees me, she'll shite herself!"

Employee Rules & Regulations, 2006

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time
needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

The Computers Swallowed Grandma

Yes, honestly, its true. She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It's devoured her, completely. The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the Internet. But, nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Jeeves; My searches to refine. The reply, from him, was negative; Not a thing was found 'online'. So, if, inside your 'In Box', My Grandma you should see ~ Please 'Scan', 'Copy', and 'Paste' her In an e-mail back to me. * author unknown

Cheater at a Job Interview

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

Signs

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

Losing Virginity

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

The Story of Maggie Top

Maggie Top is a big style icon in a piece of land somewhere out there. "Always on top in style" is her motto, and she likes nothing but the 'latest great looks'. Today, she was invited to attend a festival in a faraway country she has never been to before. She didn't know what it was about, but it always seems stylish to be on the front page of mags with photos from an event in a place nobody's been to.

Upon arrival, she was led on a town tour. "What do you think," one of her entourage asked. "People here look ugly!" she said spitefully. "Why?" "Look at the rags they are wearing!" she commented.

Then she went to attend the festival, which turned out to be a comedy festival. She walked on the red carpet, acting as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world. 'What? The people even wear their rags here?' she thought, looking at the others.

Later at the festival, Maggie Top was indeed voted 'best dressed'. "...And the award goes to Maggie Top! Look at this lady - where can someone find a 100-year-old outfit that looks that new? Of course, we don't really recommend dressing like this...." 'I don't understand it,' thought Maggie, but she thought best to remain looking cool as always.

Biker Couple

There was this Biker Couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the Old Biker always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years his Ol' Lady felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The Old Biker looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids."

De frog and de snake

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an' he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was

........wit' two more frogs.

A Blonde's Last Wish

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Eye of the Beholder

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Two women stagger home...

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.

Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.

As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.


The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of freshflowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their taskcompleted, the women continue staggering home.

The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second."We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her bottom that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"

The Good Pig

A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumours about his pig are true.

"Yep," says the farmer. "I got a pig that started squealing real loud when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some pig."

"And didn't the pig save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter.

"Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Wow, I'd like to see this pig," the reporter says.

"Well, come on over here."

The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg.

"Why does he have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

Nude Driving

Man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

The Athiest and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

2 wishes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man an d the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress ca n't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, But you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Gr8 Scientists!!

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven… ?

They decide to play hide-n-seek…

Unfortunately Einstein becomes the seeker…

He is supposed to count up to 100…and then start searching…

Everyone starts hiding except Newton

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein…

Einstein”s counting… 97, 98, 99, 100…

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front…

Einstein says “Newton”s out.. Newtons…out…”

Newton denies and says i am not out…!

He claims that HE IZ NOT NEWTON……

All the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton…!

How…………?

Scroll Down …

His proof:

Newton says:

I am standing in a square of area 1m square…

That means I am Newton per meter square…

Since Newton per meter square = Pascal

HENCE I M PASCAL NOT NEWTON