Deciding the Days

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Dominant Male

Men and Women on planet earth die from various places throughout the world at a particular moment in time and go to God's abode to be judged. The God welcomes this new batch and tries his experimental new judgement trick and says," I want all you humans to form two queues. One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away from here so that no man and woman can talk and I can talk to men alone."

When the women were gone, the Almighty returns and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one solitary man.

The God about to open his third eye of anger, thunders, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Come and tell all them henpecked, my brave son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" God asked.

The nervous man replies, "I don't know sir, but my wife told me to stand here, until this is over."

Watch Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Warm Beer

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

A Bad Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he was devastated at losing such an important part of himself . But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you,I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Mother -vs- Cabbie

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Signs You're Watching Too Much Football

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive

9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons

8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee

7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em

6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip

5. During sex, you use a play clock

4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway

3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup

2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden

1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion

Different Meanings to the Words

Abdicate - V. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash - v. a rapidly receding hair line.

Bustard - n. a very rude bus driver.

Coffee - n. a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted - adj. appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence - n. the emergency vehicle that picks up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Lymph - v. to walk with a lisp.

Negligent - adj. describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in a nightie.

Two Dyslexic's

Two dyslexic's in a car.
One say's to the other, " Can u smell petrol?"

"Don't be a dick, I can't even smell my own name"...

It's Soooo Hot

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It's Soooo Hot . . . .

This IS AZ in summer!

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (TRUE!)

Hot water now comes out of both taps. (TRUE!)

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. (TRUE!)

The temperature drops below 95° F (35° C)
and you feel a little chilly. (TRUE!)

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. (TRUE!)

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled
eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Barbies 4 Sale

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for 19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach! Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks:

"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers:

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

It All Depends on Your Major!

Relationships

It all depends on your major!

PSYCHOLOGY - Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for
his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY - Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY - One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of
trying to dig it up.

THEATRE - "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY - "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS - Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must
come down.

JOURNALISM - "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,
called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES - "HE did it!"

BUSINESS - Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY - Each party gets "historical" and argues the breakup was
caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY - Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each
other.

ANATOMY - "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS - Each party demands more than the other can supply.

MATHEMATICS - He felt she was too negative and she found him to be
irrational .

PHYSICAL EDUCATION - "It just didn't work-out."

POLITICAL SCIENCE - She discovered he had a mandate.

MUSIC - He felt her organ play was uninspired.

ART - Their break-up was not a pretty picture.

ACCOUNTING - Their time alone was too taxing.

CHEMISTRY - There was no solution to their problems.

EDUCATION - He failed to learn a lesson.

ZOOLOGY - "He/she is a pig!"

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

A Pigs Ear

Recently a man lost his ear, and it was replaced by doctors with a pigs ear. They trimmed it down a bit and made it look humanly before attaching it. Few weeks later and the man goes back to the Doctor and says: "Doctor, i keep hearing this noise and its doing my f*cking head in."
To which the doctor replies:

"Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling"

Understanding Women - A Man's Perspective

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

When Insults had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard


"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

The Silent Treatment

Man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sove these Mysteries

Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Question 2
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader.

How did he do this?

Question 3
Old Mr.Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr.Fiend.

Mr.Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Question 4
If you touch me, you will die, but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest.

What am I?

Try to solve these Mysteries before looking at the answers below.










ANSWERS:
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail......................There is no mail on Sunday!

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside................So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`S body.

4. Death

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Two Aussies in a Boat

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,

"Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Wonder Pill

A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:

"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?"

"Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Last Chapter of Harry Potter: The Lost and Last Horcrux

Harry felt Ron and Hermione drop motionless and stupefied in his back.

"Ron, Hermione are you..." Harry sat beside them with his wand clutched tightly in his hand, litting brightly on the tip.

"Welcome, Harry!" a voice echoed in the dark of the Godrics Hollow. Harry turned to his back and tried to find the source of the voice.

"Lumous", again echoed the voice. A wand, in the middle of the hall litted on the tip. A white scull and icy expressional face was now clearly visible.

"Remember this place, Harry!” said Voldemort, "Your Father was dead on the place where you are now standing. I killed him and walked over him to get you."

"You will die... I will kill you." Harry yelled.

"You can never kill me Harry!" laughed Voldemort. "You will never know the secret. I am immortal."

"I destroyed five of your Horcruxes." Sneered Harry.

"...and you come here in search of the sixth" snapped Voldemort. "On what cost Harry...? Your Mother, Father, Sirius, Dumbledore and ... Ginny"

"No..." Harry roared, "You can't harm her."

"I certainly did," shouted Voldemort. "The stupid girl came to search you in the graveyard and Nagini had her last dinner before you killed her."

"I will kill you" Harry's scar was shining with a silver shine as a thread of memory from Dumbledore's Pensive. "Avada Kavedra" Harry yelled with the most inner hate.

Voldemort disappeared and Harry missed. The light was now coming from the bedroom of the old Potter house.

"Here... Here your mother was lying... she was beautiful Harry, you have got the same eyes" Voldemort said with a laugh in his voice. Harry rushed in the bedroom. Voldemort was standing in the far most corner of the room and looking like an infer with speaking abilities.

"Don't" said Harry with a chill in his voice, "don’t ever talk about my parents. You are a killer and will get the punishment"

Voldemort roared with laugh. "... and you are going to punish me! Harry, I cannot be destroyed without any of my Horcrux alive."


"Stop playing Voldemort! Get on to business." said Harry chewing every word with anger.

Voldemort smiled "So...! you are the Chosen One..." said Voldemort with a evil grin, "don't you Harry? You are supposed to kill me...! Don't you?"

"Avada..."Harry yelled but blocked.

"You can never kill me Harry!" Voldemort was laughing with a roar, "The chosen one can never destroy the Dark Lord."


"I did it once... you were gone for fourteen years. I will finish you completely this time." Shouted Harry.

"YOU DID IT?" Yelled Voldemort, the laugh was now gone and evil was looking out of his swollen eyes, "YOU DID IT? NO POTTER, I DID IT! I MARKED YOU EQUAL."

"You never heard the prophecy!" said Harry with anger of hell in his voice.

"The prophecy? Harry, I changed the prophecy." spitted Voldemort, "I changed the prophecy"

"Professor Dumbledore let me hear the prophecy! You cannot change it from his pensive." cried Harry.

"Dumbledore never knew about the change Potter. Time turners are not only for miss Mud blood!"

"Don't abuse Hermione" again shouted Harry

"...either survive while the other die" said Voldemort calmly "isn't it, Potter!"

"If you know the prophecy why don't you kill me now, so you can..."

"...Harry! this is not the real prophecy. The second half says .....both survive while either die."

"...That means..."

"OH YES HARRY!" Harry was cut in between by Shouting Voldemort. "YOU ARE MY SIXTH HURCRUX."

"NO", Cried Harry with anger and pain.

"WE ARE NOT CONNECTED HARRY, WE ARE ONE. I MADE YOU MY HURCRUX WHILE KILLING YOUR PARENTS. THE MARK IS THE PROOF."

"YOU USED THE AVADA CURSE ON ME!" yelled Harry.

"NO POTTER! NEVER. YOU ARE MY SAFEST HURCRUX. PROTECTED BY ALL THE SO CALLED GREAT WIZARDS AND THE MINISTRY ITSELF."

"But you always tried to kill me!" said Harry, "You never let me live my life."

"That is my life you silly boy. I tried to kill you because you were trying to stop me from my return." Voldemort said in anger "You never handed me the Philosopher's Stone. You tried to defend me in the Chamber of Secrets. But finally I got the three blood drops from you to make sure.... I will return."

Harry felt a sudden pain of grief in his heart. His heart pounding heavily like a blacksmiths air pump. "You cannot kill me either, Voldemort. I am your most powerful Horcrux. I made you vanished for that. and will live with you if you kill me"

"No! No Harry!" said the dark lord with a chilling gesture of his neck. "you are my Seventh Horcrux. That was my fault. No one can reach to the most powerful number of seven in the count of horcruxes. Now, only two horcruxes left... you and me. Soon you will turn out to be another me as you were in the level nine in department of mysteries two years back."

"If I may turn out to be you... you are going to pay for that. For my Mother and father, Sirius and for Professor Dumbledore and for my love, Ginny" With a unwelcoming gesture of his wand, Harry putted it on his forehead and yelled, "Avada Kavedra."

"NO" Yelled Voldemort with a cry and pain, "You can't do this"

"No Harry!" Shouted Ron, since the curse was tear off Ron and Hermione were standing just outside the door of the room, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS HARRY!"

Hermione gaped with terror

Harry's scar busted open and two rays of light in colors of silver and gold came out... Voldemort was looking with anger and hate towards the fast growing ropes. Before he could make any move, the ropes tightened him and vanished inside him from his nose, ears and mouth. Harry's body fell down on floor. Ron rushed towards him.

"NO Harry, You cannot be gone" Cried Hermione.

"Ron get your wand out" said Voldemort.

"Harry", Ron turned towards Voldemort, "Kill me Ron Hurry!” Voldemort jumped towards his wand tried to battle with himself like possessed with an inner power.

Ron gaped and stood. He was not feared. He was not lost. Hermione said "Ron kill him. This is Voldemort"

"No this is Harry!" shouted Ron.

"No just kill him. Don't make Harry's life a waste."

"No you silly mud blood" Shouted Voldemort, "If you kill me Harry will also die."

"...AAAH" With another sound of pain Voldemort said, "Just kill me Ron, Hermione please. This is the only way. There is no Horcruxes left now. Kill him. NOW"

With tears in his eyes Ron shouted, "I can't kill you Harry!"

"He killed everyone I ever loved. My parents, Sirius and Dumbledore and now see he killed Ginny also."

"NO" Shouted Hermione.

"Just kill me. I don't want you two to die." Pleaded Voldemort...

Hermione and Ron got their wands out and cursed together, "Avada Kevadra.!"

With a blast in the middle of the house, the roof blowed away. The walls started to fall. The body of Voldemort torn apart and light and blood started to came out with screams of Harry and Voldemort. Near the body of Harry, Hermione was in Ron's arms fainted and Ron was looking in a state of shock on what had happened.

Soon after the vanishing of the light from Dark Lord's body Ron also fainted where Harry's body was laying... The boy who lived was motionless but one thing was missing. His forehead was not having the mark. It was gone. The Scar.

PMS: Pack My Stuff

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some chocolate. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some chocolate What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some chocolate. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a glass of wine with that? Here, have some chocolate. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mi d Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite ...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Clever Woman - Too Cool!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."


Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Who is the thief?

Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

Puddle Jumper

While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport, I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a very bumpy flight.

Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway, toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening.

She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the landing strip of chickens!"

Night on the Town

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.
But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting meas I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!

She'd better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!".

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Chores

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Menopause Jewelry

My husband Larry, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Expensive Smells

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A Gorgeous Young Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more! She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream!

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought as much!" The doctor said ...

"That's a broken finger!!!"

Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Getting Older

You can tell you are getting older when:

*You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*You burn the midnight oil after 8:00 p.m.
*You look forward to a dull evening.
*Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
*Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
*You decide to procrastinate and never get around to it.
*Dialing long distance wears you out.
*You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals.
*You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Men & Marriage

He said - I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you?


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.


Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Driving Test

And you wonder why there is Road Rage...

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Funny T-shirts

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software"
13. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? "
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
19. "Live Bait "
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me!"
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Don't ask me about my day."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
41. "Save the trees. Wipe your arse with an owl."
42. SNIPER: No Need To Run...You'll Only Die Tired.
43. Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body
44. My parents told me I could be anything, so I became an ARSE-HOLE!
45. If at first you don't succeed, get someone else to do it.
46. (Seen on a girl's shirt): Keep staring: I've got a clear shot.
47. Cereal Killer
48. Just be glad I'm not your kid.
49. Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested.
50. My mom can beat up your dad.
51. Sorry I missed church. I was performing a human sacrifice.
52. Caution: Explicit Fu*king Lyrics.
53. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
54. Love my country - Fear my government
55. Practice safe sex. Go fu*k yourself!
56. Just another shi*ty day in paradise.

Alcohol Is Sin

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"

Bad joke

I feel this community should get at least one joke a day, no matter How bad it is.
So...

Q: How do you make a strawberry shake.
A: Take it to a scarry movie!

Now you better start posting some funny jokes, Or I will be forced to post some BAD ones.

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"

Church Bulletins

* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.

Bowling team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Bonus Payment

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Expensive Smells

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Blonde Moment

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with you fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear energy?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear energy when you don't know shit?"

Too…Good…

Heavenly Communications:

An old man was sitting in a park reading the book ‘Mastering Java’.

A passerby saw him and asked, “At your age, why are u trying to learn Java?”

“I’ve heard that the communication language used in Heaven is only Java, and I don’t want to face any communication problems when I go there, ” the old man replied.

“But how are you so sure that you will go to Heaven? You could land up in Hell as well, “the passerby asked.

“Ya doesn’t matter… I already know .NET”

Accident

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

Useful windows RUN Commands …

Accessibility Controls - access.cpl

Add Hardware Wizard - hdwwiz.cpl

Add/Remove Programs - appwiz.cpl

Administrative Tools - control admintools

Automatic Updates - wuaucpl.cpl

Bluetooth Transfer Wizard - fsquirt

Calculator - calc

Certificate Manager - certmgr.msc

Character Map - charmap

Check Disk Utility - chkdsk

Clipboard Viewer - clipbrd

Command Prompt - cmd

Component Services - dcomcnfg

Computer Management - compmgmt.msc

Date and Time Properties - timedate.cpl

DDE Shares - ddeshare

Device Manager - devmgmt.msc

Direct X Control Panel (If Installed)* - directx.cpl

Direct X Troubleshooter - dxdiag

Disk Cleanup Utility - cleanmgr

Disk Defragment - dfrg.msc

Disk Management - diskmgmt.msc

Disk Partition Manager - diskpart

Display Properties - control desktop

Display Properties - desk.cpl

Display Properties (w/Appearance Tab Preselected) - control color

Dr. Watson System Troubleshooting Utility - drwtsn32

Driver Verifier Utility - verifier

Event Viewer - eventvwr.msc

File Signature Verification Tool - sigverif

Findfast - findfast.cpl

Folders Properties - control folders

Fonts - control fonts

Fonts Folder - fonts

Free Cell Card Game - freecell

Game Controllers - joy.cpl

Group Policy Editor (XP Prof) - gpedit.msc

Hearts Card Game - mshearts

Iexpress Wizard - iexpress

Indexing Service - ciadv.msc

Internet Properties - inetcpl.cpl

IP Configuration (Display Connection Configuration) - ipconfig /all

IP Configuration (Display DNS Cache Contents) - ipconfig /displaydns

IP Configuration (Delete DNS Cache Contents) - ipconfig /flushdns

IP Configuration (Release All Connections) - ipconfig /release

IP Configuration (Renew All Connections) - ipconfig /renew

IP Configuration (Refreshes DHCP & Re - Registers DNS) - ipconfig /registerdns

IP Configuration (Display DHCP Class ID) - ipconfig /showclassid

IP Configuration (Modifies DHCP Class ID) - ipconfig /setclassid

Java Control Panel (If Installed) - jpicpl32.cpl

Java Control Panel (If Installed) - javaws

Keyboard Properties - control keyboard

Local Security Settings - secpol.msc

Local Users and Groups - lusrmgr.msc

Logs You Out Of Windows - logoff

Microsoft C