Deciding the Days

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Dominant Male

Men and Women on planet earth die from various places throughout the world at a particular moment in time and go to God's abode to be judged. The God welcomes this new batch and tries his experimental new judgement trick and says," I want all you humans to form two queues. One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away from here so that no man and woman can talk and I can talk to men alone."

When the women were gone, the Almighty returns and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one solitary man.

The God about to open his third eye of anger, thunders, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

"Come and tell all them henpecked, my brave son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" God asked.

The nervous man replies, "I don't know sir, but my wife told me to stand here, until this is over."

Watch Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Warm Beer

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

A Bad Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he was devastated at losing such an important part of himself . But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you,I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Mother -vs- Cabbie

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Signs You're Watching Too Much Football

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive

9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons

8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee

7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em

6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip

5. During sex, you use a play clock

4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway

3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup

2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden

1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion

Different Meanings to the Words

Abdicate - V. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash - v. a rapidly receding hair line.

Bustard - n. a very rude bus driver.

Coffee - n. a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted - adj. appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence - n. the emergency vehicle that picks up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Lymph - v. to walk with a lisp.

Negligent - adj. describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in a nightie.

Two Dyslexic's

Two dyslexic's in a car.
One say's to the other, " Can u smell petrol?"

"Don't be a dick, I can't even smell my own name"...

It's Soooo Hot

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It's Soooo Hot . . . .

This IS AZ in summer!

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (TRUE!)

Hot water now comes out of both taps. (TRUE!)

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. (TRUE!)

The temperature drops below 95° F (35° C)
and you feel a little chilly. (TRUE!)

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. (TRUE!)

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled
eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Barbies 4 Sale

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for 19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach! Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks:

"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers:

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

It All Depends on Your Major!

Relationships

It all depends on your major!

PSYCHOLOGY - Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for
his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY - Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY - One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of
trying to dig it up.

THEATRE - "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY - "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS - Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must
come down.

JOURNALISM - "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,
called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES - "HE did it!"

BUSINESS - Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY - Each party gets "historical" and argues the breakup was
caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY - Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each
other.

ANATOMY - "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS - Each party demands more than the other can supply.

MATHEMATICS - He felt she was too negative and she found him to be
irrational .

PHYSICAL EDUCATION - "It just didn't work-out."

POLITICAL SCIENCE - She discovered he had a mandate.

MUSIC - He felt her organ play was uninspired.

ART - Their break-up was not a pretty picture.

ACCOUNTING - Their time alone was too taxing.

CHEMISTRY - There was no solution to their problems.

EDUCATION - He failed to learn a lesson.

ZOOLOGY - "He/she is a pig!"

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

A Pigs Ear

Recently a man lost his ear, and it was replaced by doctors with a pigs ear. They trimmed it down a bit and made it look humanly before attaching it. Few weeks later and the man goes back to the Doctor and says: "Doctor, i keep hearing this noise and its doing my f*cking head in."
To which the doctor replies:

"Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling"

Understanding Women - A Man's Perspective

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

When Insults had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard


"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

The Silent Treatment

Man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sove these Mysteries

Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Question 2
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader.

How did he do this?

Question 3
Old Mr.Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr.Fiend.

Mr.Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Question 4
If you touch me, you will die, but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest.

What am I?

Try to solve these Mysteries before looking at the answers below.










ANSWERS:
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail......................There is no mail on Sunday!

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside................So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`S body.

4. Death

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Two Aussies in a Boat

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,

"Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Wonder Pill

A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:

"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?"

"Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Last Chapter of Harry Potter: The Lost and Last Horcrux

Harry felt Ron and Hermione drop motionless and stupefied in his back.

"Ron, Hermione are you..." Harry sat beside them with his wand clutched tightly in his hand, litting brightly on the tip.

"Welcome, Harry!" a voice echoed in the dark of the Godrics Hollow. Harry turned to his back and tried to find the source of the voice.

"Lumous", again echoed the voice. A wand, in the middle of the hall litted on the tip. A white scull and icy expressional face was now clearly visible.

"Remember this place, Harry!” said Voldemort, "Your Father was dead on the place where you are now standing. I killed him and walked over him to get you."

"You will die... I will kill you." Harry yelled.

"You can never kill me Harry!" laughed Voldemort. "You will never know the secret. I am immortal."

"I destroyed five of your Horcruxes." Sneered Harry.

"...and you come here in search of the sixth" snapped Voldemort. "On what cost Harry...? Your Mother, Father, Sirius, Dumbledore and ... Ginny"

"No..." Harry roared, "You can't harm her."

"I certainly did," shouted Voldemort. "The stupid girl came to search you in the graveyard and Nagini had her last dinner before you killed her."

"I will kill you" Harry's scar was shining with a silver shine as a thread of memory from Dumbledore's Pensive. "Avada Kavedra" Harry yelled with the most inner hate.

Voldemort disappeared and Harry missed. The light was now coming from the bedroom of the old Potter house.

"Here... Here your mother was lying... she was beautiful Harry, you have got the same eyes" Voldemort said with a laugh in his voice. Harry rushed in the bedroom. Voldemort was standing in the far most corner of the room and looking like an infer with speaking abilities.

"Don't" said Harry with a chill in his voice, "don’t ever talk about my parents. You are a killer and will get the punishment"

Voldemort roared with laugh. "... and you are going to punish me! Harry, I cannot be destroyed without any of my Horcrux alive."


"Stop playing Voldemort! Get on to business." said Harry chewing every word with anger.

Voldemort smiled "So...! you are the Chosen One..." said Voldemort with a evil grin, "don't you Harry? You are supposed to kill me...! Don't you?"

"Avada..."Harry yelled but blocked.

"You can never kill me Harry!" Voldemort was laughing with a roar, "The chosen one can never destroy the Dark Lord."


"I did it once... you were gone for fourteen years. I will finish you completely this time." Shouted Harry.

"YOU DID IT?" Yelled Voldemort, the laugh was now gone and evil was looking out of his swollen eyes, "YOU DID IT? NO POTTER, I DID IT! I MARKED YOU EQUAL."

"You never heard the prophecy!" said Harry with anger of hell in his voice.

"The prophecy? Harry, I changed the prophecy." spitted Voldemort, "I changed the prophecy"

"Professor Dumbledore let me hear the prophecy! You cannot change it from his pensive." cried Harry.

"Dumbledore never knew about the change Potter. Time turners are not only for miss Mud blood!"

"Don't abuse Hermione" again shouted Harry

"...either survive while the other die" said Voldemort calmly "isn't it, Potter!"

"If you know the prophecy why don't you kill me now, so you can..."

"...Harry! this is not the real prophecy. The second half says .....both survive while either die."

"...That means..."

"OH YES HARRY!" Harry was cut in between by Shouting Voldemort. "YOU ARE MY SIXTH HURCRUX."

"NO", Cried Harry with anger and pain.

"WE ARE NOT CONNECTED HARRY, WE ARE ONE. I MADE YOU MY HURCRUX WHILE KILLING YOUR PARENTS. THE MARK IS THE PROOF."

"YOU USED THE AVADA CURSE ON ME!" yelled Harry.

"NO POTTER! NEVER. YOU ARE MY SAFEST HURCRUX. PROTECTED BY ALL THE SO CALLED GREAT WIZARDS AND THE MINISTRY ITSELF."

"But you always tried to kill me!" said Harry, "You never let me live my life."

"That is my life you silly boy. I tried to kill you because you were trying to stop me from my return." Voldemort said in anger "You never handed me the Philosopher's Stone. You tried to defend me in the Chamber of Secrets. But finally I got the three blood drops from you to make sure.... I will return."

Harry felt a sudden pain of grief in his heart. His heart pounding heavily like a blacksmiths air pump. "You cannot kill me either, Voldemort. I am your most powerful Horcrux. I made you vanished for that. and will live with you if you kill me"

"No! No Harry!" said the dark lord with a chilling gesture of his neck. "you are my Seventh Horcrux. That was my fault. No one can reach to the most powerful number of seven in the count of horcruxes. Now, only two horcruxes left... you and me. Soon you will turn out to be another me as you were in the level nine in department of mysteries two years back."

"If I may turn out to be you... you are going to pay for that. For my Mother and father, Sirius and for Professor Dumbledore and for my love, Ginny" With a unwelcoming gesture of his wand, Harry putted it on his forehead and yelled, "Avada Kavedra."

"NO" Yelled Voldemort with a cry and pain, "You can't do this"

"No Harry!" Shouted Ron, since the curse was tear off Ron and Hermione were standing just outside the door of the room, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS HARRY!"

Hermione gaped with terror

Harry's scar busted open and two rays of light in colors of silver and gold came out... Voldemort was looking with anger and hate towards the fast growing ropes. Before he could make any move, the ropes tightened him and vanished inside him from his nose, ears and mouth. Harry's body fell down on floor. Ron rushed towards him.

"NO Harry, You cannot be gone" Cried Hermione.

"Ron get your wand out" said Voldemort.

"Harry", Ron turned towards Voldemort, "Kill me Ron Hurry!” Voldemort jumped towards his wand tried to battle with himself like possessed with an inner power.

Ron gaped and stood. He was not feared. He was not lost. Hermione said "Ron kill him. This is Voldemort"

"No this is Harry!" shouted Ron.

"No just kill him. Don't make Harry's life a waste."

"No you silly mud blood" Shouted Voldemort, "If you kill me Harry will also die."

"...AAAH" With another sound of pain Voldemort said, "Just kill me Ron, Hermione please. This is the only way. There is no Horcruxes left now. Kill him. NOW"

With tears in his eyes Ron shouted, "I can't kill you Harry!"

"He killed everyone I ever loved. My parents, Sirius and Dumbledore and now see he killed Ginny also."

"NO" Shouted Hermione.

"Just kill me. I don't want you two to die." Pleaded Voldemort...

Hermione and Ron got their wands out and cursed together, "Avada Kevadra.!"

With a blast in the middle of the house, the roof blowed away. The walls started to fall. The body of Voldemort torn apart and light and blood started to came out with screams of Harry and Voldemort. Near the body of Harry, Hermione was in Ron's arms fainted and Ron was looking in a state of shock on what had happened.

Soon after the vanishing of the light from Dark Lord's body Ron also fainted where Harry's body was laying... The boy who lived was motionless but one thing was missing. His forehead was not having the mark. It was gone. The Scar.

PMS: Pack My Stuff

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some chocolate. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some chocolate What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some chocolate. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a glass of wine with that? Here, have some chocolate. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mi d Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite ...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Clever Woman - Too Cool!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."


Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Who is the thief?

Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

Puddle Jumper

While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport, I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a very bumpy flight.

Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway, toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening.

She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the landing strip of chickens!"

Night on the Town

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.
But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting meas I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!

She'd better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!".

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Chores

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Menopause Jewelry

My husband Larry, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Expensive Smells

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A Gorgeous Young Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more! She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream!

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought as much!" The doctor said ...

"That's a broken finger!!!"

Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Getting Older

You can tell you are getting older when:

*You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*You burn the midnight oil after 8:00 p.m.
*You look forward to a dull evening.
*Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
*Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
*You decide to procrastinate and never get around to it.
*Dialing long distance wears you out.
*You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals.
*You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Men & Marriage

He said - I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you?


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


On a wall in a ladies room - "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it - " I do not"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.


Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Driving Test

And you wonder why there is Road Rage...

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Funny T-shirts

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software"
13. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? "
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
19. "Live Bait "
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me!"
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Don't ask me about my day."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
41. "Save the trees. Wipe your arse with an owl."
42. SNIPER: No Need To Run...You'll Only Die Tired.
43. Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body
44. My parents told me I could be anything, so I became an ARSE-HOLE!
45. If at first you don't succeed, get someone else to do it.
46. (Seen on a girl's shirt): Keep staring: I've got a clear shot.
47. Cereal Killer
48. Just be glad I'm not your kid.
49. Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested.
50. My mom can beat up your dad.
51. Sorry I missed church. I was performing a human sacrifice.
52. Caution: Explicit Fu*king Lyrics.
53. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
54. Love my country - Fear my government
55. Practice safe sex. Go fu*k yourself!
56. Just another shi*ty day in paradise.

Alcohol Is Sin

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"

Bad joke

I feel this community should get at least one joke a day, no matter How bad it is.
So...

Q: How do you make a strawberry shake.
A: Take it to a scarry movie!

Now you better start posting some funny jokes, Or I will be forced to post some BAD ones.

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole .... it's ten past three in the morning!"

Church Bulletins

* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.

Bowling team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Bonus Payment

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Expensive Smells

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Blonde Moment

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with you fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear energy?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear energy when you don't know shit?"

Too…Good…

Heavenly Communications:

An old man was sitting in a park reading the book ‘Mastering Java’.

A passerby saw him and asked, “At your age, why are u trying to learn Java?”

“I’ve heard that the communication language used in Heaven is only Java, and I don’t want to face any communication problems when I go there, ” the old man replied.

“But how are you so sure that you will go to Heaven? You could land up in Hell as well, “the passerby asked.

“Ya doesn’t matter… I already know .NET”

Accident

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

Useful windows RUN Commands …

Accessibility Controls - access.cpl

Add Hardware Wizard - hdwwiz.cpl

Add/Remove Programs - appwiz.cpl

Administrative Tools - control admintools

Automatic Updates - wuaucpl.cpl

Bluetooth Transfer Wizard - fsquirt

Calculator - calc

Certificate Manager - certmgr.msc

Character Map - charmap

Check Disk Utility - chkdsk

Clipboard Viewer - clipbrd

Command Prompt - cmd

Component Services - dcomcnfg

Computer Management - compmgmt.msc

Date and Time Properties - timedate.cpl

DDE Shares - ddeshare

Device Manager - devmgmt.msc

Direct X Control Panel (If Installed)* - directx.cpl

Direct X Troubleshooter - dxdiag

Disk Cleanup Utility - cleanmgr

Disk Defragment - dfrg.msc

Disk Management - diskmgmt.msc

Disk Partition Manager - diskpart

Display Properties - control desktop

Display Properties - desk.cpl

Display Properties (w/Appearance Tab Preselected) - control color

Dr. Watson System Troubleshooting Utility - drwtsn32

Driver Verifier Utility - verifier

Event Viewer - eventvwr.msc

File Signature Verification Tool - sigverif

Findfast - findfast.cpl

Folders Properties - control folders

Fonts - control fonts

Fonts Folder - fonts

Free Cell Card Game - freecell

Game Controllers - joy.cpl

Group Policy Editor (XP Prof) - gpedit.msc

Hearts Card Game - mshearts

Iexpress Wizard - iexpress

Indexing Service - ciadv.msc

Internet Properties - inetcpl.cpl

IP Configuration (Display Connection Configuration) - ipconfig /all

IP Configuration (Display DNS Cache Contents) - ipconfig /displaydns

IP Configuration (Delete DNS Cache Contents) - ipconfig /flushdns

IP Configuration (Release All Connections) - ipconfig /release

IP Configuration (Renew All Connections) - ipconfig /renew

IP Configuration (Refreshes DHCP & Re - Registers DNS) - ipconfig /registerdns

IP Configuration (Display DHCP Class ID) - ipconfig /showclassid

IP Configuration (Modifies DHCP Class ID) - ipconfig /setclassid

Java Control Panel (If Installed) - jpicpl32.cpl

Java Control Panel (If Installed) - javaws

Keyboard Properties - control keyboard

Local Security Settings - secpol.msc

Local Users and Groups - lusrmgr.msc

Logs You Out Of Windows - logoff

Microsoft Chat - winchat

Minesweeper Game - winmine

Mouse Properties - control mouse

Mouse Properties - main.cpl

Network Connections - control netconnections

Network Connections - ncpa.cpl

Network Setup Wizard - netsetup.cpl

Notepad - notepad

Nview Desktop Manager (If Installed) - nvtuicpl.cpl

Object Packager - packager

ODBC Data Source Administrator - odbccp32.cpl

On Screen Keyboard - osk

Opens AC3 Filter (If Installed) - ac3filter.cpl

Password Properties - password.cpl

Performance Monitor - perfmon.msc

Performance Monitor - perfmon

Phone and Modem Options - telephon.cpl

Power Configuration - powercfg.cpl

Printers and Faxes - control printers

Printers Folder - printers

Private Character Editor - eudcedit

Quicktime (If Installed) - QuickTime.cpl

Regional Settings - intl.cpl

Registry Editor - regedit

Registry Editor - regedit32

Remote Desktop - mstsc

Removable Storage - ntmsmgr.msc

Removable Storage Operator Requests - ntmsoprq.msc

Resultant Set of Policy (XP Prof) - rsop.msc

Scanners and Cameras - sticpl.cpl

Scheduled Tasks - control schedtasks

Security Center - wscui.cpl

Services - services.msc

Shared Folders - fsmgmt.msc

Shuts Down Windows - shutdown

Sounds and Audio - mmsys.cpl

Spider Solitare Card Game - spider

SQL Client Configuration - cliconfg

System Configuration Editor - sysedit

System Configuration Utility - msconfig

System File Checker Utility (Scan Immediately) - sfc /scannow

System File Checker Utility (Scan Once At Next Boot) - sfc /scanonce

System File Checker Utility (Scan On Every Boot) - sfc /scanboot

System File Checker Utility (Return to Default Setting) - sfc /revert

System File Checker Utility (Purge File Cache) - sfc /purgecache

System File Checker Utility (Set Cache Size to size x) - sfc /cachesize=x

System Properties - sysdm.cpl

Task Manager - taskmgr

Telnet Client - telnet

User Account Management - nusrmgr.cpl

Utility Manager - utilman

Windows Firewall - firewall.cpl

Windows Magnifier - magnify

Windows Management Infrastructure - wmimgmt.msc

Windows System Security Tool - syskey

Windows Update Launches - wupdmgr

Windows XP Tour Wizard - tourstart

Wordpad - write

Speeding

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says "if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over".

Some Classic Definitions !

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either”.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where nobody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet”

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Kiss Defined

Professors of different subjects define the same word "kiss" in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

The Church Organist

Viola, the church organist, was 85 and had never been married. She was very much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The Pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little hot tea.

As the pastor sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Viola had flipped.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater. Soon he couldn't contain himself any longer and, pointing to the bowl, said, "Miss Viola, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease... and you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

At the Casino

Two bored casino dealers are standing at the craps table when a very attractive blonde woman arrived. She bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Jogging George Bush

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

Three Brave Tales

Picture the scene. It's a cold night beside the campfire and stars twinkle in the dark night sky. Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting around a campfire near Ayers Rock, each full of the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins. Steve the Aussie says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang-glider dude there is. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose from the swamp and ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground with my bare hands."

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I landed after a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail and a fifteen foot Namibian desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bar-steward with my bare hands and beat it's head off, then sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

Kevin the Kiwi remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Sale - A Talking Dog!

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Bad Sneeze

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies

Alcohol Is Sin

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"

Trees

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived. "My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Food Shortage

A world wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Marylou

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?!" he exclaims.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"

"YOUR HORSE CALLED!"

Bar Cop

There was this policeman who liked to stake out bars for an easy job by watching the drunks and then arresting them. After a while, a man came out and starting walking to his car. The man could not keep his balance and fell down several times. He finally found his car after wandering the carpark for a few minutes. The man tried to open his door but couldn't insert the key properly. The policeman was thinking to himself that this dude was clearly drunk. The man put the key in the ignition and sat there in his car. He blinked a few times and then did nothing. The policeman goes up to him and pulls him out of his car. The policeman orders the man to breathe into the breathalyser. It reads 0.0. The cop is puzzled and says:"I'm sorry, but I think that this piece of shit is broken." The man replies:"I doubt it, I'm the designated decoy."

Saggy Boobs

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Alcoholic Nun

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The New Patio

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY' night?"

That Little Artificial Sweetener

Okay, here's another day in the office of one of the mags which claim to be the #1 mag in the country (by the way, though #1 should only point to one mag, so many mags are claiming it that this description seem to point to all the mags out there). As part of their job, they interview the latest starlets out there. And on this particular day, they had this somebody I'll call Miss Artificial Sweetener. Yes, just like sugar, except that it's not - really that.
"Good morning Artificial Sweetener," they began. "Maybe you can tell me something about yourself to being with."
"I always knew I wanted to do this. I mean, I have been a fan of the Sugars for all 25 years of my life - probably even before I could talk - and I had always wanted to be a sugar myself."
"So you're there now, I suppose? You are the most popular sugar out there now that the old sugars have all turned stale."
"Yes, it's been a great journey, thanks to all the wonderful people who supported me. You have made me a proud sugar."
"So you weren't always a sugar? I mean, all the sugars that you liked were always sugars."
"No, I started out life as another ordinary compound on the shelf of lab scientist Dr Dotheimpossible, but I always wanted to be a sugar. So I tried very hard - and somehow I turned into one."
"So are you natural?"
"Better than natural, I think. Who wants a natural sugar when they don't taste exactly the way they should taste, when they give the taste buds a bit too much of an adventure, when they can't be quality controlled?"
"So you do all the above?"
"Yes, I am manufactured as to how Dr Marketsurveysrule thinks I will be popular. So it's no mistake that I AM the most popular sugar EVER."
"So what did your journey involve?"
"Oh, it was a complete makeover. They changed...... this, this, this, this, this, this, and ....... (pointing to her head) this! And now - I feel wonderful!"
"Do you ever miss being what you were though?"
"Never. What's better than being the Artificial Sweetener?"
"Is it hard to have to change so much? I mean, all the sugars bring with them the flavours they have acquired through theirn journies, and I've heard that sugars excite the tastebuds by being special, bringing an adventure to the mouth that also turns the mind into motion."
"My technique is even more polished. I don't have to deliver any of that crap - I just have to deliver to you what you already like. This way the sweet taste gets through instantaneously. My simple taste also means that it is much more easy to get acquainted with me. Trust me, people don't want variety. People only want to best, and the best is in here. That's why I AM the most popular sugar EVER."
"Do you have any more thoughts to add?"
"An artificial sweetener needs to have no thoughts, and should NEVER have anything to add. Thank you."

Signs of Wear

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Man of the House

A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is my guess."

Home for Lunch

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Africans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an old Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no Africans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Poor Casey

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

A Little Boy and the Clergyman

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, four girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well--maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Meaning of Your Name

A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don’t be shy to show it.
D You have trouble trusting people.
E You are a very exciting person.
F Everyone loves you.
G You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
J Jealously
K You like to try new things.
L Love is something you deeply believe in.
M Success comes easily to you.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
O You are very open-minded.
P You are very friendly and understanding.
Q You are a hypocrite.
R You are a social butterfly.
S You are very broad-minded.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people’s standards.
V You have a very good physique and looks.
W You like your privacy.
X You never let people tell you what to do.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.

Gems of Wisdom

One teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."

7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."

8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."

10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."

13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."

15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.

17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the fall when the apples are falling off the trees.

18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

22. The Greeks were a hi ghly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

Some Classic Definitions !

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either”.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where nobody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet”

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Hormone Replacement Therapy

A woman on hormone replacement therapy goes to visit her doctor:

Woman: "Doctor I am very concerned about the side effects of my hormone replacement therapy."

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Woman: "It's this hair I've been growing on my chest!"

Doctor: "Really! How far down does it go?"

Woman: "All the the way to my private parts.. and that is another thing!"

Barrel Statisfaction

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.
"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

Young Wife

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Psychiatrist

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)!

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. ( He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact With fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress Would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her earning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking ).

Equal Holidays

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case dismissed!"

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists ... just when might that be?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year at the same time ... April 1st!"

Left Something To Be Desired

As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

Last Request

An old Scotchman was visiting his closest friend on his death bed crying at his side. "It's OK lad, we all must pass on sometime." said the dying man to his dear friend. "But before I go, will ya promise me one thing?" the dying man asked.

"Ask me anything friend, ya can be assured it will be done" his friend replied.

"When I'm dead and gone, will ya promise to come by and pour a bottle of me favorite scotch over me grave?" asked the dying man.

"Aye my friend, I can assure you it shall be done" as the friend choked back the tears. "But tell me, would ya mind if it passed through me kidneys first?"

Lessons in Logic - Brilliant Quotes

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

"Your future depend s on your dreams"
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

Young at Heart

An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.

Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition. She gave the old man a jar and said "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."

After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked.

"Sure, whatever helps!" the doctor replied.

The old man's wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated... The old man handed the jar to the doctor.

The doctor took one look at the jar and said, "The jar is empty. Didn't you have any luck?"

The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just couldn't get that lid off the jar."

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s**ked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Motor Vehicles Department

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then, apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

3 Viagras

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

College Humour

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."
____

A professor at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., was telling his students that they would be responsible for reading 5 books, and he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook......" One student was working fervishly to get down the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The student behind him whispered, "He's taking attendance."
____

In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

Difference

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!!!"

The police officer pulled the man out of his car, pulled out his night stick and began beating the mans head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Womp! Bang!

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"

Small Head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes".

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Greeks -vs- Italians

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...

"We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

The Pope And The Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?

I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

Perks of Being Old

1.KIDNAPPERS ARE NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.

2 IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE RELEASED FIRST.

3. NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO RUN--ANYWHERE.

4. PEOPLE CALL AT 9 PM AND ASK, "DID I WAKE YOU?"

5. PEOPLE NO LONGER VIEW YOU AS A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

6. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.

7. THINGS YOU BUY NOW WON'T WEAR OUT.

8. YOU CAN EAT DINNER AT 4 PM.

9. YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT SEX BUT NOT YOUR GLASSES.

10. YOU ENJOY HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPERATIONS.

11. YOU GET INTO HEATED ARGUMENTS ABOUT PENSION PLANS.

12. YOU NO LONGER THINK OF SPEED LIMITS AS A CHALLENGE.

13. YOU QUIT TRYING TO HOLD YOUR STOMACH IN NO MATTER WHO WALKS INTO THE ROOM.

14. YOU SING ALONG WITH ELEVATOR MUSIC.

15. YOUR EYES WON'T GET MUCH WORSE.

16. YOUR INVESTMENT IN HEALTH INSURANCE IS FINALLY BEGINNING TO PAY OFF.

17. YOUR JOINTS ARE MORE ACCURATE METEOROLOGISTS THAN THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

18. YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE WITH YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T REMEMBER THEM EITHER.

19. YOUR SUPPLY OF BRAIN CELLS IS FINALLY DOWN TO A MANAGEABLE LEVEL.

20. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHO SENT YOU THIS LIST.

AND YOU NOTICE THESE ARE ALL IN UPPER CASE TYPE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE.

Killer Husband

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

Fishing Bait

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir."

"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a big sip of beer and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

Cat in home, Man lost no direction

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a [censored] on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

By Chahat

Terrorist alert

The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Searching For Perfection

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

Brand New Outfit

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"Well .... it was my first day with the hook."

Sixth Sense

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our Porch."

by saleempc

Tips on Wasting Time in Office

1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook)to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?)and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there.Then do vice versa....... ......!!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions whileworking and try changing your ex-pressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold \"How fast my computer boots\" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile \"How to waste your day\"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open attime.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restorethem. . Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have lookedwhen(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided andtake a nap.

This is just funny....tres predictable!

Girl: I'm always here for you
Boy: I know
Girl: What's wrong?
Boy: I like her so much
Girl: Talk to her
Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me
Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.
Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.
Girl: Then tell her.
Boy: She won't like me
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can just tell.
Girl: Well just tell her.
Boy: What should I say
Girl: Tell her how much you like her
Boy: I tell her that daily.
Girl: what do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.
Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never
like me
Boy: Wait. Who do you like?
Girl: Oh some boy
Boy: Oh... she won't like me either.
Girl: She does
Boy: How do you know..
Girl: Because, who wouldn't
>like you?
Boy: You
Girl: You're wrong, I love you
Boy: I love you too.
Girl: So are you going to talk to her?
Boy: I just did.

Humor from Great Minds

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!”
Doug Larson


"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
Eric Bolton


" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips


" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. "
Robert Paul


"We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller


" Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge


"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields


"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
Sir Norman Wisdom


" One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe


"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers


"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
Mickey Rooney


" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. "
Tim Allen


"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. "
Rita Rudner


" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen


"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
Erica Jong


"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
Elbert Hubbard


"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. "
Wendell Johnson


" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman

Promotion Test

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

Where were You ?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I was getting married?"