When I Die

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Stars In Their Eyes

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

Scroll down...

Keep going this is great....

It's worth it honest.....

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

Father's Career

Little Johnny was in his expensive prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; accountant, lawyer, salesman, politician. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "My father plays Football for Scotland, but I was too embarrassed to say."

Advice For The Ladies

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!! If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section...
Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...
Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then................. Buy a cat !!!
(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Best Repartee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

What a Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Old Man's Confession

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!"

Dog Track

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Putting It In

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

Sperm Test

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

Telling The Truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

Pay Attention

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.

In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”

The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.”

Laughter Via Kerala

Name the wonly part of the werld, where Malayalis don't werk hard?

Kerala

Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?

To yearn meney.

What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome?

Because he wanted to hear pope music.

What is Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yae.

Why did his wife divorce him?

Because he was louwing another woman.

Who found out that?

His aandy.

What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?

He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?

An Oto.

Who is Malayali's fyamousu eactor end aectress?

Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

Which car does he purchase when he gets license?

Second hand Mercedes.

Please don't ignore this post after reading, at least you should reply this post with

1 reply message & you will receive cecenut oil

2 reply messages and you will receive benena chips

5 reply messages you will receive appams and

10 reply messages and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of cecenut oil and benena chips free .

Old Sayings

A first grade teacher gave her students the first half of some wise sayings and asked the kids to finish the sayings. Here’s what we get. I thought you might enjoy them.

“As you shall make your bed so shall you…..mess it up.”

“Better be safe than……punch a 5th grader.”

“Strike while the……bug is close.”

“It’s always darkest before…..daylight savings time.”

“You can lead a horse to water but……..how?”

“Don’t bite the hand that….. looks dirty.”

“A miss is as good as a………Mr.”

“You can’t teach an old dog new…….math.”

“If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll….stink in the
morning.”

“The pen is mightier than the…….. pigs.”

“An idle mind is …..the best way to relax.”

“Where there’s smoke, there’s……. pollution.”

“Happy the bride who…….gets all the presents.”

“A penny saved is………not much.”

“Two’s a company, three’s……….the musketeers.”

“Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow your nose.”

“Children should be seen and not…….spanked or grounded.”

“When the blind leadeth the blind……… get out of the way.”

A Nun and a Taxi driver

A nun hails a cab in New York and as soon as she gets in, she notices that the driver is staring at her in his rearview mirror.

"Can I help you, son?" the nun asks.

"No," the driver says hesitantly. "What I'm thinking about would just upset you."

"Oh dear," the nun says. "I've heard many different things in my life. I'm sure nothing you say will upset me."

"Well," he says. "I've got to be honest:
I've always dreamed about kissing a nun."

The nun looks puzzled for a second, then says, "Well, my son.
I could let you kiss me but there are two requirements. First, you must not be married. Second, you have to be Catholic."

The taxi driver breathes a sigh of relief as he pulls over to the side of the road. "Great! I'm single and I'm Catholic."

The driver and the nun both exit the taxi, and then they kiss.

As they get back into the cab, the nun notices the driver crying. "My son, what's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry," he says. "I have to admit: I'm a Presbyterian, and I'm married."

The nun says, "My son, that's all right.

My name is Harry, and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Oh No!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.

She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

Funny Jokes - Duck food?

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed, "No! We don't have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells, "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food, I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in:

"Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No, we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says, "Got any duck food?"

What is Intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence’?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Profile of a Software Engineer (Orkut)…

About me : I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok…I won’t be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me–> “Just stop laughing!!”)

Relationship status : what?

Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age : 10111

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children : can’t be (hey, don’t get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity : Programmer.

Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking : The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com , http://jobsahead.com ß - Isnt it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: “How to lose weight in 20 days?”, “How to live a happy life?”, “101 ways to attract a girl”, “Java Unleashed”, “C++ at your footsteps”, Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can’t afford one.

Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of Home

Why Men Don’t Talk in Public Toilets

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, one of which was already occupied. So I entered the vacant one, as you do, and dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice from the next cubicle said “Hello mate, how are you doing?” I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude replied, “Yeah not too bad, ta”.

After a pause I heard the voice again: “So, what are you up to mate?” Again, I answered somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say now,I replied “Umm, just having a quick poo…. how about yourself?”

I then heard the voice for the third time….”Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back.I’ve got some d*ckhead in the next loo answering everything I say!”

Don't Step On The Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Rejection Letter

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [job title].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the company that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[your name]

Crazy Jokes!

Question:What is the full form of maths.
Anwser : Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students


Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE


Teacher :Because of Gandhiji’s hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday


Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma’m! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!


Teacher:”Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?”
Johnny:”Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.”


Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.


Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.


Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, ‘God, are you still in there?’


Teacher:”What is your name?”.
Student:”Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.”
Teacher:”When I ask aquestion in English,answer it in English.”
Student:”My name is Sunlight.”

Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Funny SMS Messages

Indian & Pakistami soldiers r on the border. But surprised they r not fighting ! Do u know wy ? Coz dhishum dhishum to pepsodent ka kaam hai na ! ! !

Johny Walker : Mere pass bangla hai, gadi hai, bank loker hai, Kya hai tumhare pass ? Johny Leaver : Mere pass in sabki chabi hai !

Ek tum ho ki kitne acche ho, 1 tum ho ki kitne pyare ho, 1 tum ho ki kitne sunder ho, 1 tum kitne sacche ho, 1 hum hai ki jhooth bolte ja rahe hain.

Can U believe things ppl do??!! I was sitting next to a guy in Mandir, In the middle of the aarti, he lit a cigarette. I was so shocked, I nearly dropped my beer!

Kash tumhare chere pe chicken-pox ke daag hote, Kash tumhare chere pe chicken-pox ke daag hote, chand to tum ho hi, sitare bhi saath hote!!

Kisses blown r kisses wasted, kisses r not kisses unless they are tasted, kisses spread germs gersm are hated ,so kiss me baby iam vaccinated

Santa Singh Ji Zebra Crossing ke Black & White Patte par Bar Bar idhar se Udhar chalte the , Woh kya soch rahe honge ? THINK ???? “SALA YEH PIYANO BAJTA KYO NAHI ??”

Recent studies have revealed that idiots use their thumbs to scroll through their text messages. Don’t change to your finger…. it’s too late…. idiot !

Recent News Headlines : Softdrinks Contain Dangerous Pestcides. Insan to newspaper padh sakte hain par janwaro ka kya hoga kyonki…. Aaj kal CHEETAH BHI PEETA HAI !

Suraj Hua Madham , chand bhi chalne laga, mein thehra raha, zamin chalne lagi, sajna kya yehi pyaar hai ?? Nalayak, yeh pyar nahi EARTHQUAKE hai ! BHAAG !

Osama Bin Laden’s favourite song : ” mainnikla, plane leke, o raste mein, newyork mein, ik mod ayamein W.T.C. tod aaya… ”

Jab Jab tum angdai lete ho dam hamara nikal jata hai. Aye Jalim Deodrant lagane me tumhara kya jata hai ?!

unki gali se guzar rahe the kya ittefaq tha, unki gali se guzar rahe the kya ittefaq tha, unhoon ne phool phainka par gamla bhi saath tha !

Doing It

Help desk people tell you how to do it, hang up the phone, and laugh at you with their co-workers.

Firemen do it with a big hose.

Crooks do it with a gun in their pocket.

Telemarketers do it with their mouths.

Physicists do it with a big bang.

Pet shop owners do it with hamsters.

Consultants tell you how to do it, charge you a fortune, but never actually do it themselves.

Spies do it under cover.

Statisticians are 95% confident that they do it.

Hackers do it with bugs.

Mortgage bankers do it with interest.

Radio operators do it with frequency.

Blondes do it with anyone.

Golfers do it in 18 holes.

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.

Radio DJs do it on request.

Lift It High

A scantily clad woman is sitting in a bar. Having never shaved in her life, she has a thick black bush of hair in each armpit.

She chugs down drinks like a man; every 10 minutes she raises her arm and flags the bartender for another bourbon. Each time she does the other drinkers at the bar are given an eyeful of her hairy pits.

After a few hours, a drunk at the other side of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy Miss Ballerina here a drink."

The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina."

Do You Have The Time

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earthwould an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; oncein a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!!

Memory Like An Elephant

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded i n the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stare d at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Man meets a wizard...

A man is walking his dog along a canal path when he meets a wizard; "I'll give you three wishes" says the wizard. "What's the catch?" asks the man. "Don't worry about that - just tell me what you'd really want out of life!" replies the wizard.
"I'd love to be a millionaire!" says the man. The wizard waves his hand over the man's wallet and claps - "Shazam! You've got ten millions pounds!"

"I'd probably go for a fancy car next ... " says the man. The wizard waves his hand over the man's drivers license - "Kazaam! There's a Bugatti waiting in the carpark for you!"

"I suppose the last thing would be a huge mansion or something" says the man. The wizard holds out his hands and waves them over the man's house keys. "Shazaam! You're neighbours aren't going to believe it - your house is now a palace, and the fountain in the front yard? That was my idea." says the wizard.

"Wow Wizard! You've changed my life! I don't know how I can thank you!" stutters the man.

"Well, you were right earlier - there is a catch. You have to let me bum you."

"Bum me? For ten million, a super-car and a palatial mansion? That's fine! Against this bridge?" blurts the man. The wizard duly mounts the man and starts thrusting away - to try and avoid the awkwardness, the wizard asks "Tell me, how old are you?"

"Thirty- two," says the man, grunting in pain.

"And you still believe in wizards?" replies the wizard, on the vinegar stroke.

The CIA's Assasin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.

The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Some Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

First Day as a Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Good Ole Boys

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street and see a sign on a store which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they
don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Rental Dispute

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a
note:

**********
Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

**********
Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

The Nine Words

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language…No further questions!!)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". but at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

Because of this, he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded nd romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,

"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: ...

"Pardon?"

How To Build A web Page In 25 Steps!

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

Need a Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it ?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"

"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and two blokes helped us. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain, and calls out into the dark, " Hello, you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push," calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on on the swing," the drunk replies.

You're living in 2006 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus

1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves !

Awesome Class….Nice Bubble….

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day,

She gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, “Let’s start with the boys first .” Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: “My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub.”

Teacher was confused to listen but said, “Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is Essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John. Yes
next.”

Second boy: “Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub .”

Teacher now got surprised and said, “Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.”

Third boy: “I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub .”

Teacher: “Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next .”

This continues, and the last boy stands up “I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

Exhausted, the teacher said, “I don’t think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.”

First girl: “I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds.”

Teacher: “Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.”

Second girl: “I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.”

Teacher “Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl ,Yes yo u…” the Most beautiful girl of the class :”Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub .”

Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, “There’s a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter.”
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?” John replied, “I’m from Mexico, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?” asked the manager.

John replied, “They’re all just prostitutes and soccer players up there.”

“My wife is from Mexico,” the manager said.

John replied, “Which team did she play for?”

When Rabri Devi Reaches Heaven !

Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don’t Laugh). As she stood in front
Of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.

She asked, “What are all those clocks?”

Yamraj answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said Rabri,

“Who’s clock is that?”

That’s Gautam Buddha’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he Never told a lie.

“And whose clock is that?”

That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands
Have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his Entire life.”

Rabri asked, “Where’s my Laloo’s clock?”

Laloo”s clock is in my office”, replied yamraj, “I’m using it as a
Ceiling fan”.

Egypt

A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"

"Why do you ask?" the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."

Yeah, I know terrible. But I'm laughing

Masurbating Problem

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Pay rise request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies YOUR request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS & fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Pussy Management

Blonde Joke

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

Blatant Racism and Sexism!

What do you say to a nigger in a Porsche?
Stop thief!

A black man finds a lamp on the beach one day, thinking it might be worth a bit if it was cleaned up, he gives it a rub. Poof, out pops a genie!
"For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes!"
Thinking he's being wound up by his mates, he wishes for the first thing to pop into his head.
"Give me an icecream!"
Poof! An icecream stand appears with his name on it! A bit stunned, he sits there for a while eating his icecream, thinking long and hard before making his final two wishes, finally, he turns to the genie and says...
"I want to be white and surrounded by women!"
Poof! He turns into a tampon!

And the moral of the story? Never trust a nigger, there's always strings attached!

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None! It should already be open when the cunt brings it to you!

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares! Let the bitch cook