Russian Jokes Translated to English

Pooh and Piglet are on the way to get some honey carrying the balloon and the gun. Here's the plan: Winnie flies to the bees' hollow on the balloon and takes some honey, then Piglet shoots the balloon and Winnie comes back to the earth. Suddenly Winnie stumbles over a tree root and accidentally shoots Piglet right in the mouth. Teeth are out and cheeks are torn.
- What are you laughing at, stupid pig? I'm almost deaf now!

The next one isn't really mine. I saw the translation long time ago. I was really amused and the punch line carved into my mind. I couldn't find the original translation so this is my reconstruction of it.

There are Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in the boat. Winnie is rowing and Piglet is sleeping.
Winnie is tired.
Piglet is sleeping.
Winnie becomes angry.
Piglet is sleeping.
Finally, Winnie can't stand slapping Piglet with the oar.
- Uh! Ah! What? - torn out of his dreams Piglet is disoriented.
- What's the matter, pig? Can't sleep? Do some rowing then!

After some discussion we've figured out that the best punch line for worm joke would be "He's gone fishing"
Thanks to markusn

Small worm asks his mother:
- Mom, where is dad?
- He's fishing with the guys.

There is lieutenant Rzhevsky writing something. Colonel comes in.
- What are you writing?
- Anthem of our regiment.
- Let me see.. Hey, it is all bad langugage!
- No, not all. Look, there is a word 'banner' in the second line.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova walking in the garden near the lake.
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan.
- Naked ass to cold water? No, thank you!

Once lieutenant Rzhevsky came to a party with a friend. There were some people doing strange things.
- Fifteen - said one man. Everybody laughed.
- And forty seven, do you remember forty seven? - said another. Everybody laughed even more.
- What are they doing? - asked lieutenant his friend.
- They are telling jokes. But they know each other for long time and remember all jokes so they numbered them to save time.
- Wow, that must be funny.. Seventy four! Silence, then one woman stands up and slaps lieutenant.
- You know, we don't tell such jokes to ladies - says his friend confusedly.

The teacher asks the boy:
- Let's imagine that you've got $200. Then you give $50 to Svetlana, $50 to Olga and $50 to Natasha. What do you have now?
- Well.. an orgy?

Mother brings her small son to the kindergarten for first time. The child is very upset. They meet the principal and the teacher. The teacher shows them in and tells the child, "This is your locker". Then the kid with his eyes full of tears climbs in the locker, says goodbye to his mom and closes the door from inside.

There is a man in his house. Someone knocking in the door and he opens. There are parrot, giraffe and hamster standing at the door. Hamster steps forward and says - Police department. We have an information that you take drugs.

Great. This project has started to reward me. After some discussion I've discovered that joke about birch sap should be transformed into a joke about maple syrup. Just an extra bit of knowlege.

There is an alligator sitting near the river and smoking joint.
A beaver swims to him.
- What are you smoking?
- It's a funny thing, wanna try? Take a deep inhalation and hold your breath for some time.
The beaver takes an inhalation, dives and swims underwater to the other bank. There grass takes an effect and he starts to smile and giggle. A hippopotamus looks at him and asks what's so funny. Ask the alligator for an inhallation, then you'll see what's so funny, answers the beaver. The hippopotamus dives and swims to the alligator's bank. When he emerges from the water, the alligator looks at him and shouts in terror - Breathe out, beaver, breathe out!

The wolf and Little Red Riding Hood.
- Gotcha, silly girl!
- Why do you call me silly? I'm not silly, I'm Little Red Riding Hood. Look, I have red hood, red blouse, red skirt, red socks, red shoes.. Damn, I really look stupid.

It is spring. The man comes through sunny green field smiling to green grass and shiny sun. He comes to the birch grove and sees the little girl who is hanging on the birch biting birch branch.
- What are you doing, girl?
- D-d-drinking j-juice.

Beautiful morning. Glade full of flowers. Sun is rising. Birds are singing. Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes out of the white tent, his underwear is snowwhite. He looks around, raises his hands and shouts.
- God, how could I live before and didn't notice such a beauty!
- Fuck, fuck, fuck - answered accustomed echo.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky at party talked to Natasha Rostova but suddenly asked to excuse him and went out. When he was back he was all wet.
- It is raining outdoors?
- No, it is windy.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky with young countess walking around the park.
- Lieutenant, do you like children?
- Not really. But process..

- Do you know why programmers put two glasses to the bed-side table when they go to sleep?
- Why?
- Glass of water in case they will become thirsty and empty one in case they won't.

Makes perfect nonsense!

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And rushed to save the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)

New Words For 2006:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

A Perfect Diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting Th Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

Not sure if this one's been told yet/recently...

A tourist is on vacation in Pomplona, just in time for the "running of the bulls". As he strolls through the city, admiring the architecture, he spots a corner café and sits down for what he hopes will be a traditional Spanish meal. Perusing the menu, he spots a dish that sounds delicious and orders it. As he's waiting for his meal to arrive, he catches an intoxicating scent wafting over from a nearby table. Motioning to his waiter, he asks "what did that man order? It smells delicious!"

"Ahh senor, that is the fried cajones of today's bull. When the runners win, the bull is slaughtered and the cajones are considered a delicacy."
"Well that just smells great, I'd like to change my order to that," the tourist says.
"Impossible," says the waiter, "we are all out for today. Supplies go quickly."

Disappointed, the tourist eats his meal once it arrives, pays, and leaves. The following day, he returns to the same café and boldly orders the fried cajones. "Oh no, senor, you don't want that," the waiter warns. But the tourist is quite insistent and orders the cajones. As the meal arrives, the tourist eats them, motions to the waiter and complains about the taste. "This doesn't smell or taste like they did yesterday, what happened?"

"Well senor," the waiter says, "sometimes the bull wins".

Thrifty Therapy

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

The doctor charged them $82 for the session.

This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

Hahaha

Bob comes home to find his girflfriend packing her bags. He asks her where she's going, and she replies angrily, "I'm leaving you because everyone's talking about how you're a pedophile!"

Bob stares in amazement and says, "Pedophile, eh? That's a mighty big word for a 12-year-old!""

Life Lessons

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.

The father replied "That's my boy."

New Drugs

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today tha n on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Bears

The Montana State Department of Fish & Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena & Lewis & Clark National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Being Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'm BROKE!"and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand!

Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

The man in the airplane lavatory...

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the 'ATR' button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

The pregnant woman in the bus...

A young man proudly wearing his NTA hat and shirt is riding a bus when a very pregnant animal rights supporter gets on. She sits down and notices him smiling at her, so she moves to a different seat. Now he's grinning and she's getting nervous, so she moves again. He starts chuckling to himself so she moves again-- several rows away, at which point he begins uncontrollably laughing out loud.
She goes to the bus driver and has him arrested.

Court docket#12659, Pregnant lady vs. taxidermist:
The judge asks the young man to explain himself.
"Well, Your Honor, when she got on I couldn't help but notice her condition and then she sat under the sign that says "The DoubleMint Twins are coming". I couldn't help smiling, but then she moved and sat under one that says "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling". That was pretty funny too, then she moved and sat under "William's Big Stick did the Trick" and I couldn't help myself, but Your Honor, when she sat under "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident", I totally lost it."
The case was dismissed.

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My! dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like . . .

-When loved ones come home, run to greet them.
-Never pass up the opportunity of a joyride.
-Allow the feel of wind & fresh air in your face to be pure ecstacy.
-When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
-Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
-Take naps often and stretch before rising.
-Run, romp, and play daily.
-Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
-Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
-On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
-On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
-When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
-No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
-Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
-Eat with gusto and enthusiasm, but stop when you've had enough.
-Be loyal.
-Never pretend to be something you're not.
-If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

Lawyer Jokes

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man’s pulse?”
The coroner said, “No.”
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heartbeat?”
“No”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No”
“So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, weary of the browbeating, said,
“Well let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”


A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.


Due to the great increase of actions of PETA and other animal rights advocates against testing cosmetics on rats, our laboratory will immediately begin to use lawyers to test our products.
The reason for this change are as follows:

1) There is no shortage of lawyers.

2) Lab technicians won’t get too attached to them.

3) There are things you simply can’t get a rat to do.


A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “ and what was your third question?”


What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.


Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.


There were three men traveling together: a priest, a farmer, and a lawyer.
It was starting to get late, and they needed to find a place to sleep At last, they came across a farm, They stopped and asked the farmer there if they could spend the night .
He said “That’s fine, but my guest room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The priest said, “I don’t mind sleeping with God’s creatures. I will take the barn.”
They all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later, there was a knock on at the guest room door, and there stood the priest. “There is a chicken in there that won’t stop clucking! I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“That’s okay,” said the farmer, “I’ll sleep in the barn. After all, I’m used to it.”
So they all agreed and traded places.
About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the farmer. “I can’t stand the smell from that cow in there anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“Well, I guess that leaves me,” said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the chicken and the cow.

Sneezing

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,
Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it
between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?

The woman replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

The man, now feeling badly, says, Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?

The woman looks at him and says, Pepper.

So, you think you're ready to own a cat?

So, you think you're ready to own a cat?
Try this easy 20-step process to find out.

1. Set your favourite three sweaters on your bed, and then use a small knife to shred them.

1b. Scold yourself. Shred the couch in revenge for being scolded.

2. Put a bowling ball in the exact center of the bed (and/or directly in your pillow). Try to get comfortable.

3. Take a nap. Get a friend to smack you in the face with a feather duster every time it looks like you're starting to fall asleep.

4. Get a recording of a cat meowing incessantly. Set it as your alarm. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. Buy a bag of tinsel, feathers, or anything that will act similarly to hair. Spread it over every surface you own.

6. Have a friend or loved one sink needles into your flesh at random intervals. Once you are used to this, have them do it while hugging and cuddling. Make sure they know to do this while you are on the phone.

7. Ask a neighbor to knock on your door randomly at all hours of the day and night. When you answer the door, have the neighbor think for several minutes about which side of the door he wants to be on. Have the neighbor repeat this process with every door in the house in a random sequence.

8. Buy a cat-sized stuffed animal and fill it with lead pellets. Now learn to read ten-point type through it.

9. Have a friend come in and vomit randomly on the carpet about once a week. If your floors are hardwood, have him vomit on the furniture or on any available papers or books.

9b. If there are no papers or books on the floor, have the roommate pull some down. If the roommate lacks vomit, any bodily substance will do. The more unidentifiable, the better.

10. When you can deal with #9, acquire a roommate who will only use the toilet if it is perfectly clean. Clean the toilet. Then try to teach the roommate that sitting on the toilet with your butt hanging off the edge is not sufficient, without also teaching the roommate that the toilet is to be feared.

10b. If 10 is not challenging enough, acquire a roommate who decides that the proper place for the toilet is located in randomly-generated locations throughout the house. Become just psychic enough to move the toilet BEFORE the roommate decides to demonstrate this. This takes practice.

11. If you can manage it, get a friend who tries to steal food from you at every opportunity, who will dig through cinderblock to lick a greasy plate, and who also preferentially drinks out of the toilet and clean teacups, in that order. Have this friend refuse to eat or drink anything from a container designated for his use without first splashing it out of the cup or picking up the food and moving it onto the floor.

12. Learn to wheedle. You will need this to get the
cat to come inside, go outside, pee in the box, eat, drink, sit in your lap, and stop attacking your feet. Practice this skill on very small, angry children who do not speak your language. Better yet, become telepathic.

13. A friend who hunts is an invaluable asset. Have him occasionally and without warning present you with various forms of wildlife, both live and dead, whole and half-devoured. Practice thanking the friend for his gifts wholeheartedly until the sight of viscera is genuinely endearing.

14. Take a small and muscular monkey, tie sharp objects to its extremeties, and then take it in to have its shots. When you can do this with only two assistants, you are ready to have a kitten.

15. Learn to "see" objects in a pitch-black room by finding them with your bare feet. Use an assortment of wadded-up, wet tissues, and old tee shirts sprinkled with thumbtacks. This is useful for avoiding hairballs and other biological deposits, and also for avoiding stepping on the cats themselves.

16. The value of a voyeuristic roommate who enjoys staring at you while you are having sex with yourself or anyone else is not to be underestimated. Bonus points if the roommate seems horrified and/or repulsed by what is going on, yet will cry if you force him out of the room.

16b. A roommate who is sneakier than an invisible ninja is ideal for those who have mastered the basics of 16. If you can somehow wrangle a real pervert, get one who enjoys attacking feet, or unexpectedly jabbing whoever is on top in the bum with a fondue fork.

17. Also, the value of a roommate who cannot stand the sight of a closed door of any kind is not to be denied. Have him stand on the other side and meow repeatedly. When this does not work, allow him to drag his fondue forks over the door while screaming pitifully. Once inside, make sure he engages in several of the other fine activities on this list. Four or more is ideal. Put roommate out. Begin again.

18. Knocking things over by yourself is pointless and dull. Pay someone to do this for you. Preferably someone with experience assessing the value of bric-a-brac. Have them do this at 3 a.m., preferably in such a way as to make it very difficult to tell what the sound actually was.

19. Throw your kitchen garbage directly onto the floor. Learn to like it that way. Once you've done this, start with the bathroom garbage. A cat will eventually decide that your embarrassing toilet trash needs to be displayed to the world. If you are a woman, you can be certain this will happen during Shark Week. Probably in front of your date.

20. Ask the person you love most to utterly ignore your existence for a week. If you can do this, while simultaneously managing items 1-19, you will then be ready for a cat.

Vacation

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice,

"I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked What she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still Looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags Theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... Everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he Ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression Suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

New Toy

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

Now What

A lady went to the butcher shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the butcher to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to the lady. He kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and pulled out his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if he had one a little larger.

"Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin, shook it against the side and brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the scale his trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale.

The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."

Headlines From The Year: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Love a Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.......

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers

"Did you help him?"she asked.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we brokedown and those two guys helped us? I thinkyou should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into thepouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He pickedup the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Three pregnant women are waiting in a doctor's office.

The first one says, "I know we're having a girl because I was on top when we conceived."

The second woman said, "Well, I know we're having a boy because he was on top when we conceived."

The third woman burst into tears.

"What's wrong?!" the other two asked.

She sniffed and said, "Oh my god! I'm having a puppy!"

The Good Trade...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

Two bowling teams (one team was all Blondes and the other one all Brunettes) charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great timedownstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>
> Dear Vincent,
> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
> to plant my tomato garden this year.
> I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
> If you were here my troubles would be over.
> I know you would dig the plot for me.
> Love Dad
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
> Dear Dad,
> Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
> That's where I buried the BODIES.
> Love Vinnie
>
> At 4 a.m. the next morning,
> FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
> up the entire area without finding any bodies.
> They apologized to the old man and left.
>
> That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
>
> Dear Dad,
> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
> That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
> Love Vinnie

Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, He says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Wake Up!

A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Sunday School

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And the number one reason God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Smart Drunk

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Breasts."

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

Hoshimota

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"

He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to the best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"

Concerned, his partner turns to him: "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

Car Pool

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Friendly Pig

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"

Mugger

Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Different Boys

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Sex Capabilities

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

Women and Men

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."