Lifted from Versacelitterbox

I am very much pro-feminist. I still tell sick chauvinist jokes, but I am an equal opportunity offender.

I lifted this from versacelitterbox

thank a feminist...

If you're female and...

...you can vote, thank a feminist.
...you get paid as much as men doing the same job, thank a feminist.
...you went to college instead of being expected to quit after high school so your brothers could go because "You'll just get married anyway", thank a feminist.
...you can apply for any job, not just "women's work", thank a feminist
...you can get or give birth control information without going to jail, thank a feminist.
...your doctor, lawyer, pastor judge or legislator is a woman, thank a feminist.
...you play an organized sport, thank a feminist.
...you can wear slacks without being excommunicated from your church or run out of town, thank a feminist.
...your boss isn't allowed to pressure you to sleep with him, thank a feminist.
...you get raped and the trial isn't about your hemline or your previous boyfriends, thank a feminist.
...you start a small business and can get a loan using only your name and credit history, thank a feminist
...you are on trial and are allowed to testify in your own defense, thank a feminist.
...you own property that is solely yours, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to your own salary even if you are married or have a male relative, thank a feminist.
...you get custody of your children following divorce or separation, thank a feminist.
...you get a voice in the raising and care of your children instead of them being completely controlled by the husband/father, thank a feminist.
...your husband beats you and it is illegal and the police stop him instead of lecturing you on better wifely behavior, thank a feminist.
...you are granted a degree after attending college instead of a certificate of completion, thank a feminist.
...you can breastfeed your baby discreetly in a public place and not be arrested, thank a feminist.
...you marry and your civil human rights do not disappear into your husband's rights, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to refuse sex with a diseased husband [or just "husband"], thank a feminist.
...you have the right to keep your medical records confidential from the men in your family, thank a feminist.
...you have the right to read the books you want, thank a feminist.
...you can testify in court about crimes or wrongs your husband has committed, thank a feminist.
...you can choose to be a mother or not a mother in you own time not at the dictates of a husband or rapist, thank a feminist.
...you can look forward to a lifespan of 80 years instead of dying in your 20s from unlimited childbirth, thank a feminist.
...you can see yourself as a full, adult human being instead of a minor who needs to be controlled by a man, thank a feminist.

It's Great to be Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripper from the neck down, rolled the ice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know – I thought you were watching."


:-) Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men! :-)

How to Decode Men & Women's Speech:

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish............................. 49
Adventurous........... Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking...................Mooooooo.
Beautiful........................ Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Feminist..............................Fat.
Free spirit.....................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former slut.
New-Age........................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.! No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing......... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..............Bitch.
Voluptuous.........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate................Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with with that outfit = I'm gay

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Daughter's Prayer

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic, and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held Thursday.

Good Doggie :-))))))

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? " The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. " What happened to her? " !
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? " The man replied "Join the queue."

Best Out of Office Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return From holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver This message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Thank you for you! r message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons... When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

My BOSS

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."

Johny n Jenny....

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

The Old Pastor's Last Request

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

Did You Ever Know This....

1. What programming language is GOOGLE developed in?

2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?

3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?

4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?

5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"

6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?

7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot-India 210/3 with Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?

8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two different countries?

9. >From what four word ex-pression does the word `goodbye` derive?

10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?

11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?

12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?

13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?

14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from international cricket and later represented Zimbabwe?

15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?

16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by only one country (other than Vatican)?

17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?