Lawyer Jokes

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man’s pulse?”
The coroner said, “No.”
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heartbeat?”
“No”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No”
“So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, weary of the browbeating, said,
“Well let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”


A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.


Due to the great increase of actions of PETA and other animal rights advocates against testing cosmetics on rats, our laboratory will immediately begin to use lawyers to test our products.
The reason for this change are as follows:

1) There is no shortage of lawyers.

2) Lab technicians won’t get too attached to them.

3) There are things you simply can’t get a rat to do.


A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “ and what was your third question?”


What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.


Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.


There were three men traveling together: a priest, a farmer, and a lawyer.
It was starting to get late, and they needed to find a place to sleep At last, they came across a farm, They stopped and asked the farmer there if they could spend the night .
He said “That’s fine, but my guest room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The priest said, “I don’t mind sleeping with God’s creatures. I will take the barn.”
They all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later, there was a knock on at the guest room door, and there stood the priest. “There is a chicken in there that won’t stop clucking! I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“That’s okay,” said the farmer, “I’ll sleep in the barn. After all, I’m used to it.”
So they all agreed and traded places.
About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the farmer. “I can’t stand the smell from that cow in there anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“Well, I guess that leaves me,” said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the chicken and the cow.